Dos and Don’ts of Dating
There are no hard and fast rules to dating, but here are some tips that won't do any harm.
Do let go of the past. It's done. Build yourself a small bridge and get over it. Quit telling your story; it's boring.
Don't jump straight into another relationship. Take some time to adjust; you need to be alone for a while to rediscover who you are.
Do find a balance. Seek love, but don't make it your whole life. Get a hobby. Knit, volunteer. Knit yourself a volunteer.
Do cultivate relationships with other single people; it's depressing being the token singleton in a crowd of couples; like being alone on Noah's Ark.
Don't drink in excess on dates. It's pathetic and leads to arm-gnawing moments of awkwardness later.
Don't come on too strong. It's unnerving, and you're dating, not stalking. Keep the mystery and let things progress naturally.
Don't introduce the person you're seeing to your friends and family too early; it's tempting when you're used to being part of a couple, but is overwhelming.
Do be open; rigid rules about a 'type' may mean you dismiss somebody lovely.
Do maintain your self-respect; go easy with sharing information. There's plenty of time to get to know each other; no early soul-baring. It smacks of desperation.
Don't take it all so seriously. Approach it with a sense of openness and fun. Flirt a bit, enjoy it all, and you'll be infinitely more attractive!
The lovers’ guide …to dating again
Excerpt from www.independent.ie, a Dublin, Ireland publication who did an article in IJL.
… Dating after a separation isn't easy, particularly when your personal circumstances have changed considerably.
"Your self-esteem is definitely at a low ebb," says Geraldine, 41 and mother of three. "You think, what have I got to offer? A busy professional, Geraldine didn't have the time or inclination to frequent bars or clubs and although she had an established social circle, she wanted a fresh start.
"I wanted to begin again. I wouldn't consider dating anyone I'd met through work," she explains. "And the people in my social circle knew me as the wife of my ex-husband, so I wanted to turn over a new leaf, almost re-invent myself, and start again when it came to dating."
She'd heard of a company called It's Just Lunch from a friend in the US, so when she found they were in Ireland, she went to see them. "They were very professional and easy to talk to," she says. "Along with a lot of other detail, one of the things they do is write a paragraph of the impression they get of each person.
"They're either very intuitive or really well trained, because they were very accurate with the people they introduced me to," says Geraldine.
"You try to avoid discussing past relationships until you get to know one another better," she says.
"The agency made all the arrangements with restaurant bookings and so on and although I was very nervous going in, they made sure I met people of similar interests, in a safe environment."
So, any luck?
"I went on three very enjoyable dates with three bright, interesting men. I'm dating one of them exclusively now; it's early days, but I'm happy!"
Steven (not his real name), didn't have such a positive start in his attempt to re-launch his life after his relationship broke down. The 40-year-old spent time looking for solace at the bottom of a glass, with much drinking and swapping of sad stories.
"I went for anyone that would have me. I was not in a good place and when I look back, I clearly wasn't fussy. Because I was reluctant to 'partner up' seriously, I went for other rejected people. Alcohol blurred the lines as well, and beer goggles made me make inappropriate choices."
Now happy in a new partnership, he says: "My advice would be not to do anything drunk except go home alone. Don't dial, drive or date while drunk."
Alison, in her 30s, decided to take control of her dating future. When she tried dating after her marriage, she found it more complicated than she remembered. A busy woman who traveled a lot, she decided to approach dating like a career move.
"I thought, right, we take charge of our careers and don't leave them to fate — why should I leave my personal life to chance?"
Using the It's Just Lunch agency worked for her. "Frankly, it was convenient to have someone take charge and filter out people who mightn't work. I knew what I wanted, and because you pay a fee to the agency, there are no time-wasters, unlike the internet which can be a bit of a free-for-all."
Being focused has proven to be an effective strategy for Alison, who is now dating a man she was introduced to via the agency.
"You may as well show yourself in the best light –almost like a job interview — and go from there!"
It seems that regardless of who you are, it's wise to clear one's mental decks before embarking on a voyage to find love again.
However, even though you may have to weather a few storms, and life's never perfect, nobody wants to be alone.
Which ever route you take back to dating, take heart from these peoples' stories — there's always hope on the horizon.
It’s Just Lunch Offers a Snapshot: Do Politics and Dating Make a Match?
The following are results from the It's Just Lunch poll.
1. How important is your date's political affiliation?
Overall Male Response Female Response
Somewhat Important 40% 34% 44%
Somewhat Unimportant 23% 25% 22%
Not Important 27% 34% 22%
Very Important 10% 7% 12%
2. Would you date someone who supports an opposing political party?
Yes 63% 70% 58%
Maybe 29% 24% 33%
No 8% 6% 9%
3. If your date asked about the upcoming election, would you be
comfortable responding?
Yes 87% 91% 85%
No 13% 9% 15%
4. At what time do you believe it's appropriate to discuss politics
on a date?
On the third date 40% 38% 40%
On the first date 33% 37% 32%
On the fifth date 17% 15% 19%
Only when in a
committed relationship 10% 10% 9%
5. How important is it to you that your date be knowledgeable of the
issues concerning the upcoming election?
Somewhat Important 57% 55% 58%
Very Important 17% 11% 20%
Not Important 11% 15% 9%
Somewhat Unimportant 15% 19% 13%
6. If you had plans for a date and found the only time you would be able
to vote would be when you are scheduled to meet, would you cancel your
date in order to vote?
Yes 14% 13% 15%
No 13% 21% 8%
I would see if we could
meet later if I was able
to finish voting in a
reasonable amount of time 73% 66% 77%
7. How would you feel if your date cancelled or rescheduled a date with
you so that he/she could vote?
I would understand and
respect the individual
for exercising this right 67% 69% 67%
I would be completely
annoyed and would have
no further interest in
dating this person 4% 3% 3%
I would be disappointed
and hope we could
reschedule 29% 28% 30%
8. You meet your date, there is a definite physical attraction and
chemistry BUT you learn your date supports a different party. Would
that deter you from going on a second?
Yes 11% 11% 11%
No 89% 89% 89%
Be Flexible…
Don’t be overly specific when you think about your ideal partner — such as wanting “tall blondes” or “no bald guys.” Celebrate individuality and be open to new possibilities.
You could end up ruling out the woman or man of your dreams simply because they have the wrong hair color or are a few hairs short. Remember, it’s a wish list, and nobody’s perfect. Over the coming months, it will change and grow as you discover what’s really important to you in a relationship. Remain flexible and open with your “ideals.”
Fools Rush In
One of the biggest dating mistakes many singles make is when people are in too much of a rush to settle down. Disaster! They hook up with the first compatible person who comes along, instead of dating several people and then making a powerful choice as to what’s best for them.
Give yourself time to choose. The dating experience teaches you a great deal about what’s really important to you in a partner and what you have to offer. By observing yourself, you will gain new insight into how you react to different situations, and which problems you bring into each relationship. It’s only when you are inside the dynamic of a relationship that you can truly discover these things — otherwise it’s all “in your head.”
Dating Trends Survey…
In a survey by It’s Just Lunch of 38,912 singles, IJL found that:
·         1 in 8: the chance a woman has of a 2nd date if she has not heard from him within 24 hours of their first date.
·         Top conversation killers: past relationships—49%, dieting or body image—21%, politics—15% and marriage—15%.
·         17%–the chance of liking a date set up by a friend.
· 88% of women find money to be very important in a relationship.
· Topic to ignore on a first date—60% of women and 64% of men don’t talk politics on a first date.
·         52% of singles feel they are too busy to meet other singles.
·         76% of women date men that are at least 5 years older than them, while 80% of men date women that are at least 5 years younger than them.
·         53% of singles find a great smile the most attractive feature.
·         43% of singles have Googled someone on the internet before a first date.
5 Things to Say When You’re Interested/Not Interested
Five Things to Say If You Want to See Them Again
1. “I had a great time. Would you like to get together again soon?”
2. “Would you be interested in dinner next time?”
3. “This was a great lunch! I’d like to get to know you better.”
4. “I’m going hiking on Saturday and would love for you to join me.”
5. “Now that the hard part is out of the way, are you interested in going out again?”
Five Things to Say When You’re Not Interested
1. “The best of luck and fun in your future dates. Thanks again.”
2. “I can see us becoming friends. I’d like to invite you to my next party.”
3. “I had a good time, but I just don’t think we have that much in common.” (Very politely
point out the differences between your lifestyles, interests, etc., which will show why you’re not a good match.)
4. “I have a friend you might like, can I give him/her your number?”
5. “I feel that the chemistry just isn’t quite right between us.” (This implies it’s a mutual thing.)
Dating Trends of Singles…
According to a survey by It’s Just Lunch, 80% of singles still believe that a relationship is more important than a career and over 90% of singles want to get married someday.
“Singles today are more proactive about meeting other singles then they were ten years ago. We have found that singles are using many different avenues to meeting that special someone." “52% of women and 48% of men have used a dating service, compared to only 8% over a decade ago.”
Over the past decade while the goal of meeting someone special has remained the same, the age singles believe they will tie the knot has changed.  In the 1990’s, 54% of single women believed they would marry in their early to mid 30’s; 59% of single men believed they would marry in their mid 40’s.  Today, the timing has reversed. 56% of single women believe they will marry in their late 30’s or 40’s, while 54% of single men believe they will marry in their 30’s.
Is this “The One?”
Most people have an idea of what constitutes a desirable mate. We usually get fixated on superficial aspects like appearance, income, or lifestyle and don’t give enough thought to the quality of that relationship.
It’s emotional intimacy, being able to share your truest, deepest, most vulnerable self with your significant other, which makes us feel loved. Skip judgments based on superficial aspects and focus on how you connect emotionally; how comfortable you are being yourself when you’re around them, and how often you laugh and have fun together.
Really, that’s all there is to it. If you can read the paragraph above and know in your head that your partner meets all of those needs and makes you feel great about yourself, then he or she has all the qualities to become your ideal partner. The rest is up to the two of you.
A relationship is like any long-term investment: it requires a great deal of time, effort and devotion. Couples come and go, but real relationships are those that can survive whatever life throws at them. They go through it together and come out closer than before.
One final thing you should ask yourself before you decide whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with : Do you both share the same vision of the future?
Do you want the same things or are you at least committed to helping the other fulfill his or her dreams as well as your own? Do you both see yourselves together for many years to come? Can you imagine investing in a house, raising a family and eventually growing old together?
Before you choose to commit to someone, make sure you have no desperate need for attachment and that you are in a good place with your self-esteem. Be ready to walk away if things don’t turn out as planned. Don’t try to force a relationship to work or invest time trying to change someone. The whole purpose is to avoid ending up in divorce court. Why would you want to close a deal that has the wrong foundation or missing parts?
If you have seven or eight of the signs below in your relationship, this could be it!
Nine signs for Recognizing Mr. or Mrs. Right!
·         You listen to each other
·         You have a strong chemistry connection
·         He or she is a cheerleader for your hopes and dreams
·         You tell them what you want in a relationship and he or she steps up to the plate
·         Your partner is genuine, trustworthily, and understanding
·         You can both compromise and work together to resolve disputes
·         You have a similar approach to life (values, morals, goals)
·         Your partner shows you kindness, consideration, and respect
·         You are focused on each other, not looking around for something better
A relationship is a two way street. Don’t forget to be the same way back.
